Some things I've learned:
(gleaned from personal experience and watching other people do stupid things)
1. Do not climb down tall ladders quickly.
2. Do not ever buy a hermit crab without your parents' permission. Don't even contemplate it.
3. If you are in a car, and decide to do something that would look cool, make sure you don't get distracted and run up on the curb. Then you just look like an idiot.
4. Don't place wake-up calls at 12:00 at night. Even if it is your birthday.
5. If you are at someone's funeral find something better to say about them than, "I have never seen her hair look so good." And if you must say this, do not say it repeatedly-- seriously, find something to say about their characer or something.
6. When you are mad at someone, pretending to jump off a balcony in order to get them to feel remorseful is not a good idea.
7. When you are little and ask your grandfather to play with you and he says, "Just as soon as this cloud goes over the house." he probably doesn't want to play with you.
8. If you are working as a waitress and you ask if you can clear away someone's dessert plate and he responds with, "If you so much as touch this plate, I will bite your hand off." let him keep his plate. And you keep your hand, too.
9. Cats should not be used as batons, or accordions, or wheelbarrows.
10. Toilet brushes are not the same thing as feather dusters, and should not be used in place of them.
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4 comments:
I am laughing out loud.
#3. Outside of Bruester's, a man with pink pants waved at the oncoming traffic. His cone-shaped body was topped off with a scoop of creamy vanilla ice cream and a bright red cherry. A white Avalon slowly pulled up next to him. The driver looked at him closely, and, in a very deliberate motion, locked the car. (And then, in a not very deliberate motion, ran over the curb.)
Number five... wow. Just, wow.
I must know, is this actually drawn from your personal experience?
No, I'm not the one who said that. My Great Aunt Joyce said that. Repeatedly. While standing at the casket, staring at the deceased. It all disturbed me greatly.
Poor Eliot... perhaps he'll find another happy home. :) I'll pay you back this weekend.
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