this is not normal

Today, I am home alone. I don't get to be home by myself often, so it is rather lovely when I can be. I meander around the house in jeans and an oversized t-shirt and everything is quiet. Because I can think when it is quiet. I've been thinking a lot lately.

It is very disillusioning to realize that something that you have dreamed of since childhood, may not be part of the plan for your life. I love my horses, they are the thing I am passionate about-- honestly I can't think of many things I'd rather do than gallop Tom full out without a saddle down the trail. But sometimes I can think of things that I'd rather do. And it scares me. Because I know that I can't take a horse to college-- so, do I just lose that? I mean, that is something that I have let define who I am for so long...does that part of me just disappear? I have always been 'Ashlyn, the girl who rides horses'-- what am I without it?

(As you read this, please realize that I am not depressed-- I know this is way off my normal tone. After I write this, I'm not going to go into the kitchen and swallow a bunch of pills. Honestly. I'm just searching and thinking and I need to get this out of my head however incomprehensible it is.)

I know all these people who have known what they have wanted to do since like, 8th grade. And everyone leaves for school next year. And I don't know what I want to do. And I'm staying home to figure it out. This frustrates me badly-- something I've noticed about myself is that I can't stand not knowing the finish. I can't not have a goal. Like at cross country practice when Coach wouldn't tell us how much we were going to run...I hated the feeling of apathy, just running, and running endlessly and not knowing where the finish was and not being able to regulate my pace according to where I knew the finish was. Even that drives me up a wall, and now my life is like this? Good heavens.

Sometimes I think I know what I want to do. I think I have everything all figured out. I want to work at a national park, I want to have a medical career, and so on and so forth. And then I don't. And then God puts a new variable into my life and I stand there with my mouth open going, "Wait! I thought this was what I was supposed to do! What is this?" I've been learning lately that I just need to stop thinking that I know where God is going ("I know he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.") because my preconceptions can keep me from going where He really wants me.

So, the new variable is Africa. I didn't go over and expect to come back wondering if I felt a call or not. It just sort of happened. And so it gets thrown into the mix.

"Just pray about it." that is what everyone tells me. Dad said, "Just pray about it, Ash. He might not answer you immediately. He may just want you to persist in that prayer and to sit there and just bask in you talking to Him for awhile. He may want you to pray for a couple of months." All right, not what I wanted to hear, but Dad is wise and I love him and I know he's right. But it is not that easy for me always because I am not good at making time for God. There, I've said it. I procrastinate with God like I procrastinate with the rest of my life and it carries over from there to there. I'm not saying that apathetically like, "Oh, I'm just not good at it. That is the way it is. It can never change." I've really been trying lately. And I think God has been talking. Which has been good, because sometimes I felt like I could make up an imaginary friend and talk to it and have it be more real than God. I'm not trying to be sacrilegious, or funny-- that is really how I thought about it.

"Fine." I say, "Fine, fine, fine." You win. I will be obedient. Because You promised that if I seek you with all my heart that I would find you. (Jeremiah 29:13) Because it isn't a one part thing. It is a two part thing. I seek and you reveal. And somehow through all of this, I am reminded that I didn't choose you before you chose me.

I swore I would never do one of these confessional, long post things. But I have. I just really needed to describe all that. Even if no one reads it, but I felt like people needed to know. Not sure why. I just did.