things i will (and will not) do when i am an old lady*

(that's assuming I make it that far)

1. I will not have that haircut. You know the one. The one that is pretty much a status symbol with septuagenarian women across the country. It is puffy and wispy and reminds one of a spun gray confection perched atop the head (gross, someone have a go at a better description, please.) I don't care if I have to have a buzz cut, but I refuse it.

2. If a child asks me to play with her, I will not continue to stare mournfully out the window and reply, "As soon as this cloud passes over the house." without ever turning to make eye contact.

3. If I there are ever any children in my house for any reason, I will be absolutely sure to set up the tallest ladder I can find. Underneath that ladder, I will set up a very large and wonderfully springy mattress. Do you have any idea how great it is to jump off a ladder and land on a nice mattress? You could probably do it for hours.

4. I will not judge the location of everything by the nearest K&W Cafeteria, Cracker Barrel, Shoney's, or roadside motel.

5. I probably will drive a Cadillac or an Oldsmobile. I'm sorry. I know that I've disappointed you sorely, but let's face it-- they are pretty much classy. Maybe I'll get an obscene bumper sticker for the back to redeem myself for this.

6. I am not going to be one of those old women who looks like she is 33 because that freaks me out in a very large way. Seriously, kudos for staying healthy and all that, but there is such a thing as aging gracefully. I mean, it really reminds me of Dorian Gray. Weird.

7. I will not allow any plaques, tapestries, paintings, or inspirational posters with angels, cherubs, small rabbits in gardening togs, or small children skipping in a circle holding hands into my house. I would sooner procure a poster that says 'Mary-- Mother of Mexico' with said revered virgin superimposed over the Mexican flag and hang it in the entryway.

*a list gleaned from resolve, experience, and a tiny bit of revulsion.